Rachel Regal

On Change

When I was 9 or 10 years old I watched my Step Dad drown. It happened on our first family camping trip. He had raised me since I was around two years old, and in my eyes, he was my Father.

My mother went into a deep depression from becoming a young widow. I watched her pain for many years as she battled with her own worries and fears along with emotional reliance on me and my younger sister.

That moment in the water changed my life forever. I struggled with fear of loss into adulthood, and developed a deeper appreciation for little moments, but almost to the point of crippling. From my teenage years into my 20’s I feared the worst case scenarios if I left my comfort zone. For example, when I was in school my temperature would rise, especially in big storms; I was terrified of the wind and rain to the point of causing massive anxiety which lead to panic attacks. This lasted into my late teens and at times through my 20’s and 30’s. Today, I rarely feel the anxiety, but I’m older and have learned how to separate it and calm it down.

As a wife and mother I struggled with a lot of fears: flying, being on the ocean, being far from home, someone being out of the nest. I held on to things and people too tightly.

When we were rescued from the water, I sent up my step brother and sister before myself. I was the last to be saved. My mindset has always been to help others before myself. I don’t know if this is my personality, or someone I decided I would become that day in the water. Needless to say, it has been my way.

I developed a love for photos because they captured moments that you can cherish forever, especially after someone is gone.

I had been told a year or so prior to my step father drowning, that he was not biologically my Father. He had raised me since I was two years old. I had his last name. All through elementary school it was my understanding he was my Dad, I had one sister and my Dad had a son from a previous relationship. At about eight or nine years old my mother revealed to me that another man was my biological father and he was looking for me at my grandparents home, which was not far down the road. He wanted to meet me. I wasn’t old enough to process this information, but from what I can remember, I was excited.

Then this Dad bailed on me.

When I was 39, I learned that how I defined myself, wasn’t me. My father, who I thought was my father wasn’t, but I gained so many blessings, an entire new family of cousins, aunts, uncles, little cousins, grandpa, grandma.

My daughter was born with health ailments.

I lost my hair, and shaved my head.

This picture of Rachel (below) was taken 10 years ago on 5/17/2012, the day she “shaved her head and let it all go.

From 2012-2018, I watched my husband battle drug addiction and tried to save him many times and stop him while also trying to protect and save myself and our kids. He was in rehab and tried to seek sobriety many times. Watching the person you love the most destroying their self is the hardest thing watch. It destroys you in it, as well, along with your kids. The final straw was when he laid hands on me. I had no choice but to walk away. That was the one and only time I let that happen. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I had to save myself for our kids. This was the path he was choosing to go down. I know he wanted to change and find sobriety many times, but it just wasn’t possible.

He took his life in August, 2020, in a not proper state of mind.

Every time something happened it changed me and I felt I had to start over again.

I watched each one of my children loose their hair.

People may be afraid of change because they are afraid of what others think. We sit back and watch others who have the courage to allow change, and want it for ourselves, but instead we sit in fear of others’ perceptions, or opinions, stuck in place until we allow ourselves the opportunity for change.

Change is not a word, it’s a decision, an experience, an opportunity to choose growth. To allow life to unfold and accept challenges is to evolve to your higher self. When you make the decision to allow change you are saying, ‘I deserve the next step in life.’ When you surrender to the change that is happening you are setting your (higher) self free and allowing what is meant for you to come naturally. It’s as if the world is supporting you in whatever you do. When you stop trying to control the change that is occurring you evolve to who you are meant to be.